Since Rider's off in writing land, I figure I'll do my best to keep the joint free of cobwebs.
Here's a fun little story where I'm sure the guy got exactly what he deserves:
Man stabbed for hogging the karaoke microphone.
Does anyone know if Bryan Adams is popular in Malaysia?
11.10.2008
The Devious Tale of June Chipmunk, Finale
(Continued from this post)
There's not much else to tell about what happened to June Chipmunk after she--and possibly Robbie Baretta--conspired to ruin my career.
I can tell you that when I took over his old store, Baretta had originally been entrusted with two retail locations. After a few months, a different manager was put in charge of the busier one. Carmichael left him with a small store that's as devoid of customers as a Circuit City across the street from a Best Buy. The type of place where the associates look startled when a customer walks in. This confirms Baretta was a lazy fat fuck and a piss-poor manager.
I can't prove he was an active participant in my firing. At the same time, however, I can't dismiss the notion that it was he who actually sent the letter that sealed my fate. Regardless, June Chipmunk started it all when she pointed him toward my blog.
Just before Carmichael promoted her, by the way, he had a mutual friend call me. He wanted me to know that he was forced to terminate my employment. The anonymous letter made it to one of the Powers That Be, and it was beyond his control. He had to do it. Carmichael wanted me to call him back.
Fuck him, I thought. I'm unemployed with nothing but time on my hands--but I don't have time to waste on motherfuckers without the balls to pick up the phone themselves. I left him waiting.
Which brings me to June Chipmunk and her Karmic payback.
I have no closure.
I said it in Part 1: this story is the impetus behind me creating this blog. It's a tale I needed to get off my chest. I thought I was saving it for when I'd have something deliciously ironic to report on June Chipmunk's fate...but I got nothin'.
June Chipmunk couldn't stand that I was promoted before her, she made my job crazy difficult, she was a negative pain in the ass in a corporate culture that was idyllic and positive, she plotted and lied to have me fired...
...and she was promoted to an $80,000-a-year job.
That's the end of the story? Where's her comeuppance? When do I get to pump my fists? When do I get to shout like a Viking on a crimson-stained battlefield?
All I have is a MySpace message from an old coworker still with that company: "I can't tell ya [June] has been fired yet, but there have been some rumors of people not happy over there."
But that's not enough for me. Not by a long shot.
So I'm putting this out there to the Karma Police: in one week I'm at the one-year mark of losing the best job I ever had. The person responsible was rewarded for it instead of being punished. I'm 99% sure I wasn't fired as retribution of anything I'd done wrong, so she couldn't have been acting as the bespectacled hand of Karma (ooh! band name!).
I don't assume I can influence the course of mighty rivers by wishing really hard. I'm not a bullied child wishing his enemies dead. I just want some assurance that June Chipmunk gets what's coming to her.
I think of myself as Edward Norton in The Incredible Hulk when asked if he thinks he can control the uncontrollable.
"No, but maybe I can aim it."
"Calling the Karma Police"
There's not much else to tell about what happened to June Chipmunk after she--and possibly Robbie Baretta--conspired to ruin my career.
I can tell you that when I took over his old store, Baretta had originally been entrusted with two retail locations. After a few months, a different manager was put in charge of the busier one. Carmichael left him with a small store that's as devoid of customers as a Circuit City across the street from a Best Buy. The type of place where the associates look startled when a customer walks in. This confirms Baretta was a lazy fat fuck and a piss-poor manager.
I can't prove he was an active participant in my firing. At the same time, however, I can't dismiss the notion that it was he who actually sent the letter that sealed my fate. Regardless, June Chipmunk started it all when she pointed him toward my blog.
Just before Carmichael promoted her, by the way, he had a mutual friend call me. He wanted me to know that he was forced to terminate my employment. The anonymous letter made it to one of the Powers That Be, and it was beyond his control. He had to do it. Carmichael wanted me to call him back.
Fuck him, I thought. I'm unemployed with nothing but time on my hands--but I don't have time to waste on motherfuckers without the balls to pick up the phone themselves. I left him waiting.
Which brings me to June Chipmunk and her Karmic payback.
I have no closure.
I said it in Part 1: this story is the impetus behind me creating this blog. It's a tale I needed to get off my chest. I thought I was saving it for when I'd have something deliciously ironic to report on June Chipmunk's fate...but I got nothin'.
June Chipmunk couldn't stand that I was promoted before her, she made my job crazy difficult, she was a negative pain in the ass in a corporate culture that was idyllic and positive, she plotted and lied to have me fired...
...and she was promoted to an $80,000-a-year job.
That's the end of the story? Where's her comeuppance? When do I get to pump my fists? When do I get to shout like a Viking on a crimson-stained battlefield?
All I have is a MySpace message from an old coworker still with that company: "I can't tell ya [June] has been fired yet, but there have been some rumors of people not happy over there."
But that's not enough for me. Not by a long shot.
So I'm putting this out there to the Karma Police: in one week I'm at the one-year mark of losing the best job I ever had. The person responsible was rewarded for it instead of being punished. I'm 99% sure I wasn't fired as retribution of anything I'd done wrong, so she couldn't have been acting as the bespectacled hand of Karma (ooh! band name!).
I don't assume I can influence the course of mighty rivers by wishing really hard. I'm not a bullied child wishing his enemies dead. I just want some assurance that June Chipmunk gets what's coming to her.
I think of myself as Edward Norton in The Incredible Hulk when asked if he thinks he can control the uncontrollable.
"No, but maybe I can aim it."
11.08.2008
The Devious Tale of June Chipmunk, Part 3
"Chipmunk Stores Rider's Nuts in a Vise"
On November 8, 2007, Rider received a phone call from June Chipmunk. She wasn't coming in to work. She wasn't feeling well. This sick day "coincidentally" preceded her scheduled three-day weekend.
"Is there any way you can work for just a few hours?" Rider asked. "We have to prepare for [a professional athlete's] appearance here. I need your help promoting it and getting the store ready."
That's when June Chipmunk lost it. Over the next 15 minutes, Rider tried to calm her down, not understanding her anger at a request for help. Her end of the conversation quickly escalated to shouting. It culminated in the phrase, "Oh, that's it! I have had it with you!"
One hour later, according to Rider's Site Meter, his blog was visited by someone in the area who Google-searched it. That was highly unusual, as Rider had only five readers in the state, and they always visited his blog through bookmarks or their own blogroll links. No one ever searched for [his name] and [his blog's title].
The following day, someone using a different computer in a different town searched for his blog again and clicked through the archives.
A fateful letter was mailed to corporate headquarters on Friday or Saturday.
This was all pieced together later, though.
Rider continued working through the weekend, unaware that the job he had grown to love was coming to an end. He prepared for the athlete's promotional appearance by himself. He attended a huge company event in a stretch limo with his happy associates. June Chipmunk did not return his calls.
When she finally returned from her four days off, Rider and June Chipmunk had a conversation where he willingly accepted partial blame for the way their argument had spiraled out of control--and he meant it. They needed to work together if the store was to succeed.
June Chipmunk offered nothing in return. She took no blame and offered no apology. She went back to work in her cubicle in the back of the store, where she preferred to do paperwork and avoid personal interaction with her own team.
The athlete's in-store appearance the next day went well. Carmichael was happy with the crowds and with Rider's efforts in the promotion.
The shit hit the turbine two days later. Rider's blog was visited for over 80 minutes by two different computers at his company's headquarters. Every single month was read. Pages were likely printed out.
Rider knew all this after receiving a chilly phone call from Carmichael asking him to come to corporate on his day off. He suspected it could only mean one thing, but he wasn't sure why. His blog was irreverent and humorous. It featured movie reviews and stories about his life. His career was mentioned at times, but the name of the company was not. And when his job was discussed, it was always in glowing terms.
"We're terminating you," Carmichael told him that Friday morning at 9:00 AM, "because of the content of your blog." A faceless drone from HR looked on, taking notes.
Rider was confused. Why was this happening?
"An anonymous letter was sent to the president. It was from a customer who said you shared your blog's address with them. They found it offensive. Since our whole business model revolves around customer satisfaction, and since you have violated our code of conduct, you are dismissed from the company."
It was November 16, 2007.
June Chipmunk was promoted to store manager of Countrydale a week later.
To be concluded...
On November 8, 2007, Rider received a phone call from June Chipmunk. She wasn't coming in to work. She wasn't feeling well. This sick day "coincidentally" preceded her scheduled three-day weekend.
"Is there any way you can work for just a few hours?" Rider asked. "We have to prepare for [a professional athlete's] appearance here. I need your help promoting it and getting the store ready."
That's when June Chipmunk lost it. Over the next 15 minutes, Rider tried to calm her down, not understanding her anger at a request for help. Her end of the conversation quickly escalated to shouting. It culminated in the phrase, "Oh, that's it! I have had it with you!"
One hour later, according to Rider's Site Meter, his blog was visited by someone in the area who Google-searched it. That was highly unusual, as Rider had only five readers in the state, and they always visited his blog through bookmarks or their own blogroll links. No one ever searched for [his name] and [his blog's title].
The following day, someone using a different computer in a different town searched for his blog again and clicked through the archives.
A fateful letter was mailed to corporate headquarters on Friday or Saturday.
This was all pieced together later, though.
Rider continued working through the weekend, unaware that the job he had grown to love was coming to an end. He prepared for the athlete's promotional appearance by himself. He attended a huge company event in a stretch limo with his happy associates. June Chipmunk did not return his calls.
When she finally returned from her four days off, Rider and June Chipmunk had a conversation where he willingly accepted partial blame for the way their argument had spiraled out of control--and he meant it. They needed to work together if the store was to succeed.
June Chipmunk offered nothing in return. She took no blame and offered no apology. She went back to work in her cubicle in the back of the store, where she preferred to do paperwork and avoid personal interaction with her own team.
The athlete's in-store appearance the next day went well. Carmichael was happy with the crowds and with Rider's efforts in the promotion.
The shit hit the turbine two days later. Rider's blog was visited for over 80 minutes by two different computers at his company's headquarters. Every single month was read. Pages were likely printed out.
Rider knew all this after receiving a chilly phone call from Carmichael asking him to come to corporate on his day off. He suspected it could only mean one thing, but he wasn't sure why. His blog was irreverent and humorous. It featured movie reviews and stories about his life. His career was mentioned at times, but the name of the company was not. And when his job was discussed, it was always in glowing terms.
"We're terminating you," Carmichael told him that Friday morning at 9:00 AM, "because of the content of your blog." A faceless drone from HR looked on, taking notes.
Rider was confused. Why was this happening?
"An anonymous letter was sent to the president. It was from a customer who said you shared your blog's address with them. They found it offensive. Since our whole business model revolves around customer satisfaction, and since you have violated our code of conduct, you are dismissed from the company."
It was November 16, 2007.
June Chipmunk was promoted to store manager of Countrydale a week later.
To be concluded...
11.07.2008
The Devious Tale of June Chipmunk, Part 2
"The Two Faces of June Chipmunk"
Rider assimilated himself well into the Countrydale store's environment. 14 associates from four departments answered to him, and any apprehension they had about losing their old manager faded away within a few weeks.
"We've never had a manager come out of his office to help us," they all said. "It makes our tummies feel good."
June Chipmunk smiled at Rider, but summarily dismissed their ridiculous claim behind closed doors. She had octagonal glasses and small eyes behind them. "They're playing you."
Rider gauged his progress as a new leader by measuring his associates' morale--which was sunny--and by the store's numbers--which hadn't slipped after the fat fuck Robbie was booted from his comfort zone.
Carmichael told Rider he was doing a good job. He had implemented marketing plans, reached out to the community, and was effortlessly driving the company's business model of keeping his associates satisfied with their leader.
All the while, June Chipmunk sat in her back office, away from the team, and smiled like a mannequin whenever Rider approached her. But inside she seethed with rage as he learned his new job and got good at it.
Rider sensed something was off with her. He hadn't yet realized how much harder he was trying with her than she was with him. He just knew they hadn't clicked as partners or as a leadership team.
He laid the foundation for his ultimate downfall when he shared too much of himself in a "hail mary" move to break through her icy exterior. He had a creative side, he told her. "I write a blog."
It's here that I ask you to read these four words again.
I write a blog.
Study those words.
Ten years ago that sentence would've sounded like nonsense, but today those four words pack a wallop.
You should never, ever, ever say those words to anyone you work with.
Because one of your coworkers could easily do what June Chipmunk did next.
Simply put: she memorized the title of Rider's blog.
On November 8, she used it against him.
A week later he was unemployed.
To be continued...
11.06.2008
The Devious Tale of June Chipmunk, Part 1
I knew I'd get to this post eventually. It was one of the main reasons I created a blog with a Karma theme in the first place.
You see, in this post I'm going to attempt to click a Karmic refresh button by telling you a true story. It's my hope that by sharing this tale, by putting the facts out there, by reliving a painful memory, I can "remind" the universe of a grave injustice that has yet to be rectified.
"But, Rider," you say, "Karma doesn't work that way. It marches to its own metaphysical beat. You can't just alter its cosmic to-do list with a simple blog post."
To which I say, What's it hurt to give 'er a kick-start and see if she turns over? All I'm doing is telling a story to the World Wide Web. If something happens, it happens.
One fine day in August 2007, a retail sales manager named Rider was given some incredible news. The man giving him the news was a well-liked area sales manager named Carmichael.
"Rider," Carmichael said, "you've been with the company eleven months now, and I've decided to promote you to store manager. Congratulations."
Rider was thrilled by the news, although he had called the promotion a few months earlier. He loved the job, he loved his coworkers, and he loved the company's culture. He had never been in charge of an entire retail location--and the challenges were intimidating--but he was sure he could handle it.
He was fired three months later, on November 16, by his boss Carmichael.
But we're skipping ahead.
When Rider's promotion was officially announced to Carmichael's district, not everyone was happy with the news. Two managers in the same retail location were deeply affected by Carmichael's decision.
The first was a fat fuck named Robbie Baretta. (I use that vulgar phrase because if you saw this man walking through the mall, you'd say, "Now that's a fat fuck.") He was the manager of the Countrydale store that Rider would be taking over. He had a sense of entitlement to his position. He decorated his office with a ridiculous amount of Chicago Bears paraphernalia, which made it look more like a den than a place of business.
Because Baretta was so comfortable in his Bears den, he made very little effort to improve sales, which was Carmichael's primary reason to move him to another location where he'd actually have to try harder.
The second manager affected by Rider's promotion was a sales manager named June Chipmunk.
Chipmunk felt she deserved to take over the Countrydale location. Baretta had told her that she was a golden blip on Carmichael's radar. The fat fuck's sense of entitlement had rubbed off on her, and she loved how it felt around her shoulders.
But now this Rider fellow had leapfrogged past her--knocking flabby Baretta and his furry Bears slippers clear into the next town. She would have to answer to him and wait even longer for the next management position to open up.
As Baretta packed his Bears shit into cardboard boxes, a decision was reached. Whether this decision was made by one or both of them is still unclear.
What is certain, however, is that while the Bears den was being dismantled, a lion's den was being assembled in its place.
Rider walked into the trap on September 1, 2007.
He never saw what hit him.
To be continued...
You see, in this post I'm going to attempt to click a Karmic refresh button by telling you a true story. It's my hope that by sharing this tale, by putting the facts out there, by reliving a painful memory, I can "remind" the universe of a grave injustice that has yet to be rectified.
"But, Rider," you say, "Karma doesn't work that way. It marches to its own metaphysical beat. You can't just alter its cosmic to-do list with a simple blog post."
To which I say, What's it hurt to give 'er a kick-start and see if she turns over? All I'm doing is telling a story to the World Wide Web. If something happens, it happens.
"Meet Mr. Rider"
One fine day in August 2007, a retail sales manager named Rider was given some incredible news. The man giving him the news was a well-liked area sales manager named Carmichael.
"Rider," Carmichael said, "you've been with the company eleven months now, and I've decided to promote you to store manager. Congratulations."
Rider was thrilled by the news, although he had called the promotion a few months earlier. He loved the job, he loved his coworkers, and he loved the company's culture. He had never been in charge of an entire retail location--and the challenges were intimidating--but he was sure he could handle it.
He was fired three months later, on November 16, by his boss Carmichael.
But we're skipping ahead.
When Rider's promotion was officially announced to Carmichael's district, not everyone was happy with the news. Two managers in the same retail location were deeply affected by Carmichael's decision.
The first was a fat fuck named Robbie Baretta. (I use that vulgar phrase because if you saw this man walking through the mall, you'd say, "Now that's a fat fuck.") He was the manager of the Countrydale store that Rider would be taking over. He had a sense of entitlement to his position. He decorated his office with a ridiculous amount of Chicago Bears paraphernalia, which made it look more like a den than a place of business.
Because Baretta was so comfortable in his Bears den, he made very little effort to improve sales, which was Carmichael's primary reason to move him to another location where he'd actually have to try harder.
The second manager affected by Rider's promotion was a sales manager named June Chipmunk.
Chipmunk felt she deserved to take over the Countrydale location. Baretta had told her that she was a golden blip on Carmichael's radar. The fat fuck's sense of entitlement had rubbed off on her, and she loved how it felt around her shoulders.
But now this Rider fellow had leapfrogged past her--knocking flabby Baretta and his furry Bears slippers clear into the next town. She would have to answer to him and wait even longer for the next management position to open up.
As Baretta packed his Bears shit into cardboard boxes, a decision was reached. Whether this decision was made by one or both of them is still unclear.
What is certain, however, is that while the Bears den was being dismantled, a lion's den was being assembled in its place.
Rider walked into the trap on September 1, 2007.
He never saw what hit him.
To be continued...
Got Cobwebs? Purify Them away with Fire!
Apparently, a hose or a broom wasn't enough for this guy:
Man sets house on fire with blowtorch.
Note to Mr. Winchell: iron oxide and aluminum mixed together make for an excellent cleanser. Mix it into a wet paste, paint it on, and after it dries, rub glycerol and potassium permanganate on the area to be cleaned. Be sure to stand back and scream, "Oh, the humanity!"
Man sets house on fire with blowtorch.
Note to Mr. Winchell: iron oxide and aluminum mixed together make for an excellent cleanser. Mix it into a wet paste, paint it on, and after it dries, rub glycerol and potassium permanganate on the area to be cleaned. Be sure to stand back and scream, "Oh, the humanity!"
10.31.2008
Election Day Shocker?
The most amazing thing about this article is that someone in Chapel Hill supports the McCain/Palin ticket.
9-year-old receives shock from political sign.
In college, I was a prankster like this. I must admit, I swiped a Dick Lugar sign out of someone's yard, but it wasn't a political statement. I gave the sign to my preisty friend who is a big fan of Lugar.
I guess I should be thankful that not a lot of electrical engineers live in Rensselaer, IN.
9-year-old receives shock from political sign.
In college, I was a prankster like this. I must admit, I swiped a Dick Lugar sign out of someone's yard, but it wasn't a political statement. I gave the sign to my preisty friend who is a big fan of Lugar.
I guess I should be thankful that not a lot of electrical engineers live in Rensselaer, IN.
10.08.2008
They Should Counter Sue for Stupidity
I read this a couple of times to make sure that I was reading it right. Turns out, I am:
Woman sues over wrong color dye in box.
This might be more irony than karma, because the blonde was too dumb to get it right, thus proving the jokes correct, but I still think it's karmaic in nature.
At first, Ms. Charlotte, complains that she'll never get her hair back to her natural blonde color now that it's been dyed brown.
Then she says she was using the color to dye her hair blonde.
Ouch, brain hurts...
She says then that she missed out on opportunities that blondes usually get. Like, what, a ride on the Hugh Hefner express? Get a boob job if you want more free stuff.
Or be really smart and dye it red.
Woman sues over wrong color dye in box.
This might be more irony than karma, because the blonde was too dumb to get it right, thus proving the jokes correct, but I still think it's karmaic in nature.
At first, Ms. Charlotte, complains that she'll never get her hair back to her natural blonde color now that it's been dyed brown.
Then she says she was using the color to dye her hair blonde.
Ouch, brain hurts...
She says then that she missed out on opportunities that blondes usually get. Like, what, a ride on the Hugh Hefner express? Get a boob job if you want more free stuff.
Or be really smart and dye it red.
10.06.2008
Nazi Schwein
Germany is facing an inexplicable series of attacks by wild boars, whose population has risen 320 percent--more than anywhere else in Europe.
The creatures are wreaking havoc throughout the country; attacking people and pets and digging up corpses.
How this post is Karma-related is uncertain.
The creatures are wreaking havoc throughout the country; attacking people and pets and digging up corpses.
How this post is Karma-related is uncertain.
9.30.2008
Going Down on Lesbos
Reuters ran a story about an air traffic controller on the Greek island of Lesbos who fell asleep while pilots on two different planes radioed for permission to land.
The planes circled the island for 30 minutes, burning fuel, waiting for the sleeping Lesbo-an to wake up.
It's barely news, and there's no apparent connection to Karma.
But the title was too good to pass up.
I apologize in advance.
The planes circled the island for 30 minutes, burning fuel, waiting for the sleeping Lesbo-an to wake up.
It's barely news, and there's no apparent connection to Karma.
But the title was too good to pass up.
I apologize in advance.
9.09.2008
Here's a Hundred Mil--Continue to Dumb Down the Country, Please
In a disturbing case of reverse Karma, Seth MacFarlane cut a deal for $100 million with Fox TV to continue producing "content" through 2012*--making him the least-deserving multi-millionaire in history.
As someone who doesn't "get" MacFarlane's "humor," I threw my issue of Entertainment Weekly across the room when I read this last night.
Why am I so pissed off? Because truly genius shows like Arrested Development and Wonderfalls were cancelled by the same Fox suits who champion unoriginal shows like Family Guy and American Dad.
There's no funny payoff to this post. Consider it my tribute to every Seth MacFarlane gag.
* The scheduled Apocalypse, yo! It all fits!
As someone who doesn't "get" MacFarlane's "humor," I threw my issue of Entertainment Weekly across the room when I read this last night.
Why am I so pissed off? Because truly genius shows like Arrested Development and Wonderfalls were cancelled by the same Fox suits who champion unoriginal shows like Family Guy and American Dad.
There's no funny payoff to this post. Consider it my tribute to every Seth MacFarlane gag.
* The scheduled Apocalypse, yo! It all fits!
8.16.2008
Wife Cheatin'? Enjoy a Slurpee!
In retrospect, it's kinda sad.
I was buying a hundred bucks' worth of Funyuns and lottery tickets at the 7-Eleven--not the sad part yet, although I'd understand if you think so*--and I ran into my neighbor Jake.
Jake informed me that he was putting his house on the market.
He's a nice guy, Jake is, and when I asked him where he was moving, he shrugged. "I'm not sure yet."
We chit-chatted about the housing market, and when that excitement was over, he excused himself and turned to the Slurpee machine.
I didn't know this at the time, but the reason Jake was moving was because his wife was cheating on him.
And not just cheating...the skank was leaving him.
And not for just anyone...she was leaving him for a creepy, bearded, quasi-pedophile. With a doughy body.
And taking her kids with her.
*shiver*
Poor Jake...seeking comfort in a Hawaiian Punch Fruit Juicy Red Slurpee and waiting for Karma to kick in on his soon-to-be-sorry ex-wife.
Other folks deal with infidelity in more creative and proactive ways.
* Or if you think I'm serious.
I was buying a hundred bucks' worth of Funyuns and lottery tickets at the 7-Eleven--not the sad part yet, although I'd understand if you think so*--and I ran into my neighbor Jake.
Jake informed me that he was putting his house on the market.
He's a nice guy, Jake is, and when I asked him where he was moving, he shrugged. "I'm not sure yet."
We chit-chatted about the housing market, and when that excitement was over, he excused himself and turned to the Slurpee machine.
I didn't know this at the time, but the reason Jake was moving was because his wife was cheating on him.
And not just cheating...the skank was leaving him.
And not for just anyone...she was leaving him for a creepy, bearded, quasi-pedophile. With a doughy body.
And taking her kids with her.
*shiver*
Poor Jake...seeking comfort in a Hawaiian Punch Fruit Juicy Red Slurpee and waiting for Karma to kick in on his soon-to-be-sorry ex-wife.
Other folks deal with infidelity in more creative and proactive ways.
* Or if you think I'm serious.
8.07.2008
A Case of the Blondes
Sorry, this one is too good to pass up.
Seems as though a team of high school cheerleaders decided to stuff the phone booth, but instead they stuffed an elevator. Surprise, the elevator got stuck, and the girls were saved only becausethey were blonde and cute they had their cell phones with them.
Before you go thinking, "Wow, I'd like to get stuck in an elevator full of cheerleaders for an hour" you should know they were all 14-17. Pervert.
And seriously, girls...wait until college to do stupid stuff like this. Just be sure to avoid signing any consent forms before doing it.
Seems as though a team of high school cheerleaders decided to stuff the phone booth, but instead they stuffed an elevator. Surprise, the elevator got stuck, and the girls were saved only because
Before you go thinking, "Wow, I'd like to get stuck in an elevator full of cheerleaders for an hour" you should know they were all 14-17. Pervert.
And seriously, girls...wait until college to do stupid stuff like this. Just be sure to avoid signing any consent forms before doing it.
Under the Affluence of Incohol
I understand that being lost sucks. I can only imagine that being drunk and lost sucks more. Maybe, though, try to seek out gas stations and such for directions in the future.
I'm sure this lady will take that to heart.
I'm sure this lady will take that to heart.
8.01.2008
Taking Spygate to a Whole New Level
While the upcoming college football season offers promises of weekly updates to the Coaches Poll, here's something that will make sure you never think of the words "coach's" and "poll" the same ever again.
Bill Bellicheck, nefarious fiend of the New England Patriots, who has been accused of taping the Jets defensive signals, walk throughs for the St. Louis Rams, and Giants fans picking their noses in the stands, is apparently caught on tape having sex with a married man's wife. No word on whether the hoodie with the sleeves cut off was seen.
*shudder*
Matt Walsh could not be reached for comment. Probably because he was throwing up.
Bill Bellicheck, nefarious fiend of the New England Patriots, who has been accused of taping the Jets defensive signals, walk throughs for the St. Louis Rams, and Giants fans picking their noses in the stands, is apparently caught on tape having sex with a married man's wife. No word on whether the hoodie with the sleeves cut off was seen.
*shudder*
Matt Walsh could not be reached for comment. Probably because he was throwing up.
Tubes of the 49th State
Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was indicted on federal charges Tuesday for accepting a quarter of a million dollars in gifts from Alaska oil companies.
I was reminded of three other things that are like "a series of tubes."
1. The rural roads leading to federal prison.
2. The empty hallways winding toward the cell block's shower room.
3. The human colon and lower digestive tract.
I was reminded of three other things that are like "a series of tubes."
1. The rural roads leading to federal prison.
2. The empty hallways winding toward the cell block's shower room.
3. The human colon and lower digestive tract.
7.21.2008
He Didn't Get Jack
Do you think the jack "slipped", or did Karma simply intervene and push it out of the way?
Either way, this guy certainly got what he was asking for. Damned palladium and platinum bandits...
Either way, this guy certainly got what he was asking for. Damned palladium and platinum bandits...
7.16.2008
Standing Up for the Little Guy
You want to hear about a Karma-lanche™ waiting to happen? I give you the ex-girlfriend of actor Verne Troyer, who is poised to be smothered by tons of crushing cosmic debris.
After Verne broke off his six-month relationship with Ranae Shrider, the brunette class-act allegedly released a sex tape they made together. Troyer's lawyer (not only does that rhyme but it sounds like a great band name) has been fighting to keep the tape private.
You're really asking for it when you publicly try to humiliate Mini Me and you won't leave his tiny house after he dumped your sorry ass.
After Verne broke off his six-month relationship with Ranae Shrider, the brunette class-act allegedly released a sex tape they made together. Troyer's lawyer (not only does that rhyme but it sounds like a great band name) has been fighting to keep the tape private.
You're really asking for it when you publicly try to humiliate Mini Me and you won't leave his tiny house after he dumped your sorry ass.
7.03.2008
Just...Wow.
I'm sitting here, patiently awaiting the email from the big bosses telling us we can go home, which is why you're getting two posts in one day from me.
Also, there's a lot here to digest in this story out of Terre Haute, Indiana.
Let the whole story sink in for a bit.
Clearly, there were a lot of things at play here. First, there was the manufacture of illegal drugs. Then the carrying of the paraphenalia for said manufacturing. There was also the handgun and last, but not least, the stolen ATV which was turned into a getaway vehicle.
Clearly, Karma had been rubbing her bejeweled hands together over this one for a long, long while, and it just seems that Mr. Jarvis was the unfortunate recipient of her vengeful wrath. Plus, seriously, you crashed your stolen ATV into a police car trying to get away? You deserve what you got.
Also, there's a lot here to digest in this story out of Terre Haute, Indiana.
Let the whole story sink in for a bit.
Clearly, there were a lot of things at play here. First, there was the manufacture of illegal drugs. Then the carrying of the paraphenalia for said manufacturing. There was also the handgun and last, but not least, the stolen ATV which was turned into a getaway vehicle.
Clearly, Karma had been rubbing her bejeweled hands together over this one for a long, long while, and it just seems that Mr. Jarvis was the unfortunate recipient of her vengeful wrath. Plus, seriously, you crashed your stolen ATV into a police car trying to get away? You deserve what you got.
Shoulda Thought This One Through
A few important lessons can be learned from this story, if you're considering breaking and entering anytime soon.
1) Always have an escape route planned.
2) Know how to swim before running into the water.
3) Steal a life vest if #2 fails you.
4) Don't screw with Karma.
I guess, at the very least, it wasn't a vat of manure.
1) Always have an escape route planned.
2) Know how to swim before running into the water.
3) Steal a life vest if #2 fails you.
4) Don't screw with Karma.
I guess, at the very least, it wasn't a vat of manure.
6.30.2008
Why Aren't We Jewel Thieves?
How does Karma handle someone who steals shit?
Two Berlin women attempting to make "manure bombs" fled the scene naked when one of them slipped into a tank of poop and needed help getting out. Their abandoned clothes were found in a nearby field.
Question for the guys: even if these girls were hot...would you pick them up on the side of the road covered in crap?
Two Berlin women attempting to make "manure bombs" fled the scene naked when one of them slipped into a tank of poop and needed help getting out. Their abandoned clothes were found in a nearby field.
Question for the guys: even if these girls were hot...would you pick them up on the side of the road covered in crap?
6.11.2008
Brought a Knife to a Train Fight
A man with multiple convictions for retail theft threatened a Chicago store's employees with a knife during a holdup. He fled the scene and jumped over a wall onto the CTA's tracks and was struck by a commuter train. He was pinned underneath and killed.
It happened on the Red Line.
Perfect.
It happened on the Red Line.
Perfect.
6.03.2008
Strangely Not a Chicago Politician
An unemployed man in India somehow thought he would inherit his father's low-ranking government job after he had him killed one day before retirement.
He should be forced to actually work his old man's low-ranking government job as punishment, since we're talking about karmic retribution here.
He should be forced to actually work his old man's low-ranking government job as punishment, since we're talking about karmic retribution here.
5.30.2008
Karma 101
Since I'm the newest recruit on the Karma Police, it seemed to me that my first post should be a handy little brush up course on the whole idea of "karma." And that comes courtesy of howstuffworks.com.
That's right... the handy site is now your one stop shop for total enlightenment. Ever wonder how toilets flush? Click here. How about your iPod? Turns out it isn't actually magical Steve Jobs elf clones after all. And if you happen to have questions about spiritual balance, they can drop somescience knowledge about that too.
That's right... the handy site is now your one stop shop for total enlightenment. Ever wonder how toilets flush? Click here. How about your iPod? Turns out it isn't actually magical Steve Jobs elf clones after all. And if you happen to have questions about spiritual balance, they can drop some
5.28.2008
Sticks and Stones
I started this blog to write about karma and poetic justice--but not in a mean-spirited, offensive way. I see news stories--almost on a daily basis--about odd occurrences that make me tilt my head and think, Huh, what an odd world we live in...I should make a note of that.
But if the tone of my blog was upsetting folks, I'd seriously reconsider my blogging mission statement, which is: Have a good time all the time, Marty.
Sharon Stone doesn't get that. She's pissing off a billion Chinese by waving karmic justice in the form of an earthquake in their collective faces.
I promise not to take myself as seriously as the blonde from Action Jackson. I'll also know when to shut the hell up.
But if the tone of my blog was upsetting folks, I'd seriously reconsider my blogging mission statement, which is: Have a good time all the time, Marty.
Sharon Stone doesn't get that. She's pissing off a billion Chinese by waving karmic justice in the form of an earthquake in their collective faces.
I promise not to take myself as seriously as the blonde from Action Jackson. I'll also know when to shut the hell up.
5.25.2008
Is A Quarter Century Long Enough?
Lou Pearlman, the Jabba-like man who cobbled together 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys out of plastic parts, was sentenced to 25 years in prison for swindling investors and banks for $300 million.
His sentence was light, just like the music he pimped.
His sentence was light, just like the music he pimped.
5.21.2008
Maybe $17,000 Wasn't Enough
Cathleen Crowell Webb sent an innocent man to jail for eight years on a bogus rape charge and died of cancer 30 years later.
I watched the circus that was the trial, and again six years later when the media escalated things to the proverbial big top as Webb recanted and owned up to the lie. But what I don't understand upon researching this story is why it took the governor another seven years to officially pardon the guy. After all, Gary Dotson was the first person in the world to be exonerated by DNA evidence.
Another pressing issue: Webb wrote a book about the rape charge and gave 17 grand of the profits to her victim, but how much money did the book actually make? You ask me, that guy deserved every penny of the grosses.
I watched the circus that was the trial, and again six years later when the media escalated things to the proverbial big top as Webb recanted and owned up to the lie. But what I don't understand upon researching this story is why it took the governor another seven years to officially pardon the guy. After all, Gary Dotson was the first person in the world to be exonerated by DNA evidence.
Another pressing issue: Webb wrote a book about the rape charge and gave 17 grand of the profits to her victim, but how much money did the book actually make? You ask me, that guy deserved every penny of the grosses.
Arrest This Man, He Talks In Maths
I'm not sure I believe in God, but I do believe in Karma.
It's not in my genetic make-up to talk religion--but that's not what this blog will be about. I created it for two reasons.
So there you have it. Rider's new blog about all things karma-coated with a cookie center.
It's not in my genetic make-up to talk religion--but that's not what this blog will be about. I created it for two reasons.
- I love odd stories where perfect/ironic/poetic closure comes to effed-up situations, because it affirms my belief in the addage "What goes around comes around."
- I wanted a place to store links or stories (à la Warren Ellis' repository for his research), where folks can contribute found news stories or write about their own experiences with the big K, be they humorous or chilling or just wishful thinking.*
So there you have it. Rider's new blog about all things karma-coated with a cookie center.
"I've given all I can
It's not enough
I've given all I can
But we're still on the payroll"
- Radiohead, 1997* That means I'd like to add readers to this blog's author's list. Shoot me an email. I've got a short list in my head of regular readers of Rider's Block whom I think would have fun with this blog.
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