Wife Cheatin'? Enjoy a Slurpee!

In retrospect, it's kinda sad.

I was buying a hundred bucks' worth of Funyuns and lottery tickets at the 7-Eleven--not the sad part yet, although I'd understand if you think so*--and I ran into my neighbor Jake.

Jake informed me that he was putting his house on the market.

He's a nice guy, Jake is, and when I asked him where he was moving, he shrugged. "I'm not sure yet."

We chit-chatted about the housing market, and when that excitement was over, he excused himself and turned to the Slurpee machine.

I didn't know this at the time, but the reason Jake was moving was because his wife was cheating on him.

And not just cheating...the skank was leaving him.

And not for just anyone...she was leaving him for a creepy, bearded, quasi-pedophile. With a doughy body.

And taking her kids with her.

*shiver*

Poor Jake...seeking comfort in a Hawaiian Punch Fruit Juicy Red Slurpee and waiting for Karma to kick in on his soon-to-be-sorry ex-wife.

Other folks deal with infidelity in more creative and proactive ways.

* Or if you think I'm serious.

A Case of the Blondes

Sorry, this one is too good to pass up.

Seems as though a team of high school cheerleaders decided to stuff the phone booth, but instead they stuffed an elevator. Surprise, the elevator got stuck, and the girls were saved only because they were blonde and cute they had their cell phones with them.

Before you go thinking, "Wow, I'd like to get stuck in an elevator full of cheerleaders for an hour" you should know they were all 14-17. Pervert.

And seriously, girls...wait until college to do stupid stuff like this. Just be sure to avoid signing any consent forms before doing it.

Under the Affluence of Incohol

I understand that being lost sucks. I can only imagine that being drunk and lost sucks more. Maybe, though, try to seek out gas stations and such for directions in the future.

I'm sure this lady will take that to heart.

Taking Spygate to a Whole New Level

While the upcoming college football season offers promises of weekly updates to the Coaches Poll, here's something that will make sure you never think of the words "coach's" and "poll" the same ever again.

Bill Bellicheck, nefarious fiend of the New England Patriots, who has been accused of taping the Jets defensive signals, walk throughs for the St. Louis Rams, and Giants fans picking their noses in the stands, is apparently caught on tape having sex with a married man's wife. No word on whether the hoodie with the sleeves cut off was seen.

*shudder*

Matt Walsh could not be reached for comment. Probably because he was throwing up.

Tubes of the 49th State

Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was indicted on federal charges Tuesday for accepting a quarter of a million dollars in gifts from Alaska oil companies.

I was reminded of three other things that are like "a series of tubes."

1. The rural roads leading to federal prison.

2. The empty hallways winding toward the cell block's shower room.

3. The human colon and lower digestive tract.